2 December 2014

…In writing this I took a great pause here. You can do that when you’re writing in a journal. There are no deadlines to meet when you’re jotting down your thoughts, but sometimes your thoughts can keep you up at night just trying to make sense of them and to put them in ink form seems impossible.

My “Pause,” was Thanksgiving. I’d revisited what I’d already put down on paper in my head a bunch of times. Where was I going with it? I knew where; to the land where everything works out, and I clearly realized, sometimes everything doesn’t work out. Simply because life keeps loading one up with good fortune, doesn’t make the sun shine for others, but I like to think it will; well, for those that need it most and are especially deserving.

Photo by Laurel Tarantino

Having volunteered past Thanksgivings and then spending the rest of the day alone and on my own, I decided to travel with my family this year to spend the day in laughter, conversation with loved ones, and all the trimmings the day brings. It was everything I’d imagined. Simply wonderful, completely stress free and delicious, but throughout the day my thoughts would return to those not as fortunate and the indulgence was not as sweet. I struggled with that second glass of wine, knowing there are so many out there who are so completely alone. So, how does one win this battle between gladness and sadness playing out in their head? You give thanks and appreciate all that is before you and I surely do.

So now, I will take another great pause. I’ll write in my journal, but of course there will never be enough hours in a day to do all that I wish, nor are there ever enough hours for me to write all the gazillion thoughts that travel through my mind in the course of a day. I write for me, but selfishly hope that one day my words will find their way to my daughter. Perhaps not today, I don’t expect tomorrow, but one day, I’d like her to know who I am, besides just being her mom. I feel I take a giant blind leap in sharing my words publicly, but it is a risk I take.

I think I may be able to continue my story of how I got back to Gloucester from the White Mountains soon, but who knows, Christmas is coming, and goodness knows where my head and heart will be taking me this month, I imagine a bit of a roller coaster ride of high “highs” and low “lows.” Are the holidays like that for you…or is it just me?